So, I have officially been out of college fore about six months now. It's still a surreal experience; like an extended Summer vacation that never ends with permanent "real world" responsibilities. I'm not sure I like it. I'm in this weird sort of limbo. I don't know where I belong, where I fit in. My whole life has been about school. First grade school, then middle school, then high school, and finally college. I'm good at school - excellent at school.
But this new area of not school...I'm not so good at. I don't know what to do with myself. My best friend moved to another state for her career. Even though we haven't been together every second for the four years we spent in college, that was still a hit. And it hurt. Still hurts, really. I can't call her and plan to do a movie this week. The best we can to is Skype and try to pretend that it's as good as really being in the same room, while in the back of our minds we know it's not good enough.
While in school, I had a lot of classmates that I was close to that I got to see everyday and I got my people fix. We would hang out, do activities, have fun. Now that I'm home, I find that all of my close friends from high school that I literally grew up with have all kind of gone on different paths, like I have. Some are married and live in another town, some are still in school and are busy with school things, some have moved and had babies, others have moved out of state - out of the country - for their careers.
I've spent the past few months wondering exactly how it is that I can feel so overwhelmingly lonely being surrounded by my family and people I grew up with. I see my siblings and their children everyday and I still feel like I'm adrift and alone. I hate it. Before, I never realized how much I thrived from the people I interacted with on campus. Now, I know what I had, but didn't appreciate.
I keep thinking that I need to go out and join some sort of clubs to get myself hanging out with people with like interests, or find myself a boyfriend. I've never before felt the need for so much human contact. At least, I don't think I did. Who can say? I was always surrounded by new and exciting people in a learning environment before this.
Though joining some sort of group or finding new friends is a great idea, I find myself hesitating. First, because I want to start on my career before I start putting my roots down here. It would really suck to get myself more friends only to lose them because I have to move for a job. Secondly, there is a part of me that thinks if I get new friends somehow I'll lose my old friends. I know I have the capacity to have more than one set of close friends, but a small piece of me is frightened that somehow they'll slip away.
But they're doing that anyway, aren't they? It's a natural progression. I know this. It's a reality that I completely understand on a logical level, but that teeny bit of me refuses to be rational about it. I love my friends and I care deeply about each and every one of them. It hurts me to think about how far I've let them drift, even if it is natural.
The only comfort I have from this crazy emotional roller-coaster I'm on, is that I'm not the only person going through it. I'm no crazy! Woohooo! I was talking with several of my classmates that have also graduated and they feel the same sense of sadness.
We shut the door on an era of our lives that will never happen again. Even if we continue with our schooling, be it in a master's program or medical school or law school, it won't be the same. We're older, hopefully wiser, and we've grown up, even if only just slightly. We are no longer wide-eyed little eighteen year olds just hoping that we can fit in. We are officially adults, whether or not we choose to act like we are.
There are probably some of us still trying to hold onto the glory days of college, but seriously, it's time to man up. We can do this. Becoming an adult doesn't mean we can't still be cool and awesome. It just means we have to accept our responsibilities. Quite frankly, I plan on staying ridiculously cool and awesome until I'm super disgustingly old. :} I also plan on manning up. My life is mine to make, yeah? No one else can do it for me. Hopefully I can do my family proud and still have a rockin' time.
To the classes of 2011 and 2012, I salute you Sirs and Madames!
Good luck!
Aby
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